Disappointment

It’s probably one of the worst feelings… even more so when you know it’s coming but still hold on for that glimmer of hope?

Because it’s easier to live in denial than to face the truth. But there comes a point when you have to brave it and be prepared to get the disappointment you almost certainly know awaits

It varies in disappointment in yourself for believing it could actually be different this time to disappointment in them for not caring

If you say you are going to do something and then don’t do it that’s unfair. If you were never going to do it then why would you say it or agree to it but more to the point – why did I ever believe you?

Sorry in the morning isn’t going to undo this but you’d have to care to even know that

Hope

Being alone hurts… but not quite as much as the feeling of desperation not to be alone…

It’s exhausting, the hoping and imaging and over analysing and daring to dream

Scared to believe you might not actually be alone so you make up a million scenarios in your head to ruin it!? But is it your head or is it the reality you are trying so desperately to ignore!? Because the truth will mean you are back to being alone if you ever weren’t anyway!?

Because past experience tells you it can’t be true and in reality it hurts to think it might true…

When you walk on egg shells and hope so much it physically hurts – fixate and perfect and reassure and worry and try so hard and wonder and again you hope

It’s hard to believe what you want to hear when you actually hear it… but does that even make it true!? Or just another glimmer of hope to cling to to console and focus on while the inevitable eats away inside…

I have no right not to believe but I don’t, when all the signs and actions point in the right direction but who is to say that is not just a cleverly manufactured de tour

But for it to end would just be the expected outcome I fear but would it maybe just be a relief!? All in all it is truly exhausting

Worth

How do you decide your worth and how do you stand by it!? Why is lowering standards and expectations the easiest way to continue to hold onto something that isn’t even there!? 

How can I have put all my eggs in the one basket that doesn’t even care!? Or know!? But have I even!? I trust my gut and I think I’ve always known this for what it is 

So the question is why do I want it to be more!? If I even truly do!?

Is it just because I want to know there is more!? I’m that scared of being alone….

How can I let myself be someone’s ‘solution to boredom’ out of a fear of not having anyone!? Or has my mind created that idea and made me believe it!?

Does the fact a few lines from him will change my mindset completely wrong!? Or proof I am too reliant on someone else to save me!? 

It’s complex but really it’s straightforward…. I’m not in control and that causes me to fixate but if I had control I’d be bored!? 

I don’t trust him!? I’ve already decided he is unusually quiet tonight as he is on tinder to another girl!? He is in the process if not already replacing me!? And he’s not even that good! 

I have put on hold making any plans for the glimmer of hope I will get to see him!? But I did just spend 3 days straight with him and have no real need to see him so soon!? But I want to, not to see him but to know that I can!? To know that he wants to see me again!? 

It’s all about me never about him really…. he needs to message me, he needs to show an interest, he needs to pay me attention for me to feel good!? But it doesn’t even work as when we are apart my mind races in a million different ways!? He has given me no reason not to trust him but yet everytime his phone goes I want to check it!? I need to know!? 

So should I cut him?? Probably but I won’t as I what I really want is him to cut me to enforce my mental thoughts that I’m just not good enough!? Because all I ever do is look for the pain!? Set myself up for hurt but all I ever want is to be loved 

I’m worried he uses me when is bored and I provide the solution 

I am easy as I am committed and I am not demanding (believe it or not) 

I’m struggling as what I want to do and say I over analyse and decide against so then I am not truly being me!? 

I want to message him goodnight because if I don’t I might not hear it from him!?  

I want to escape from my own mental prison…. but it’s the only world I know 

Single

Why are you still single!? Do something about it!? Put yourself out there!? 

Because it’s really that simple….. 

So I now ask myself, why am I single!? Yes I am fussy, but not to the extreme, so what am I doing wrong!? Or is it I’ve just not found the right man…

Online dating is weird and awkward.. but I see no other solution!? It’s the done thing 

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been on dates from it and it’s a lovely confidence boost at times with all the creepy men telling you how lovely you are…. but I don’t see it finding me ‘the one’ 

but then the more I want it the more it’ll show!? So the less appealing I’ll be!? Because at the end of the day it’s all just a mind game 

A mind game really I am playing with myself but still managing to lose…. 

life

when all you want to do is sleep its hard to call it a life

which brings you to the question of why? is it an escape from reality? a safe place? an avoidance? or am I just plain old lazy…..

 

when you are surrounded by happiness and although you are happy for them you do not need it shoved in your face 24/7 don’t get me wrong I am glad everyone is getting it together and getting their happy ever afters but then there’s me and if you asked me what I want right now? I would simply say to sleep, leave me alone in a room for a few days to gather myself, sleep, and put everything back in perspective

I cannot get a minutes peace, my phone has turned into a trap and I am constantly considering ways to break it so give me some release… I cant even go on a date without being checked up on , or questioned, I am 27 and I want to be 27

I want to shut everyone out but just for a wee while, I need some me time but the fact I’d have to justify and explain just that before doing so defeats the whole purpose me ‘escaping’ so that just leaves me hear stuck again, wanting to sleep

our world has become this horrendous place full of social media and constant surveyance, I feel so grateful that my own youth was not effected by the ball in chain of a mobile phone and all the apps which come with it….

its all about ‘likes’ on facebook, screen shotting photos or text chats to put in a group chat to then further discuss or more probably slate someone to bits…. we as a reality have lost all sense of purpose. it is horrible. I do not want to become another hater, but in this world the only thing that brings us all together is common hate, judging, forcing opinions on others and worst of all putting other people down to make ourselves feel better…. how has it come to this?

where is the off button to modern day reality? or atleast how do I put it on airplane mode for a wee day or two…..

 

 

What I want

If you could take a piece of what everyone else has going on and put it all together would you then have the perfect life?  somehow i do not think so

we spend so much time wanting what other people have we forget to stop and look at what we have or have had and chosen to give up

if you asked me what it would take to make me happy right now i would immediately say a boyfriend who would soon be a fiance…. but then my pride knows i don’t need a man to complete me but then that is what i am missing?

i have a great family, great close friends and a good wider circle too, i own my own flat, i have a good job, i drive around in my own audi TT and i do not rely on anyone for anything but yet i still have this lack of fulfilment, this feeling i havent done enough and i want for more, i want a purpose? a passion? i want to feel like i belong and i am settled

I want the future i thought i had mapped out in my head but i know i cant have it the way i planned it….. but i want it or atleast i think i do

but then i am most definitely not willing to settle?

 

 

 

 

Pika

so then there was you….. in amongst it all, the one with the ability to make me smile, the ability to make nothing else seem important , the ability to make me feel good enough

the one who got me out my bed today, got me showered and got me motivated while having no idea all along that you have

I have got by for so long as the pretty smiley bubbly girl, and I have that to thank for you being in my life. who knows what we are? we are not anything I guess?  what do I want us to be?

honestly right now I want to be your girlfriend and I want to start a new life with you, but is this purely because I know I cant? or I think I cant? and if in some weird different universe I got what I think I want? would it even make me happy?

so I will paint my nails, shave my legs, fight my wardrobe and know that from the moment I arrive at yours I will feel happy,

therapy

what is the best therapy? is it best to work from the cure backwards to see how you got there to then repeat

what if there never was a cure but just a solution, so it a solution that is required but how does that even come about if there has not been a problem specified

when your own company is the best but you crave attention, want to be wanted but have little interest in it from anyone else

they say people change and grow apart, so maybe this is me growing? but right now I don’t even know who I would want to grow with

I have gone from being the most tolerant patient and understanding person to not giving a fuck, I am have developed a switch off button and I am no longer willing to listen to the same dramas over and over again, give out the same advice knowing fine well its going in one ear and out the other…. but where does that leave me? I am sick of the unnecessary and selfish acts, but yet I am expected to be the person I always was. I now resent them for it, for all of it,  and I know they wont take it well if I don’t play my usual game so now I just don’t seem to play? which you would think would bother me more than them?

if a magic 8 ball could control my life for the better I would sign up and give it all my rights… wouldn’t it be so nice to have someone who genuinely and honestly just wanted what is best for you, no hidden personal agenda, no selfish tendencies, no pressure

someone who could come into your life and make it ‘happy’ they say the only person who can fix you is you, but right now the only option I can see to fix me is to change me, and that isn’t the fix a lot of people would want to see.  but then the selfishness in me should be happy to be ruthless, but I guess the fear of what if I change what if I find ‘me’ and then its not the better option?

do what makes you happy…. do what you want, life is too short? live for today?

 

Crave

 

what is it about the need for attention that fills every minute of the day and drives you insane but there is no release other than getting said attention.

so how do you stop doing what you know is wrong? what is it about needing to be validated and there is only men capable of doing it?

yet I know when I get the message back the release it will give me, putting all of my karma in other peoples hands. people who don’t even know there importance? and to face a harsh reality check they wouldn’t even change there actions if they knew the severity of them.

so there is sex, because having sex and feeling wanted fills the void

being adored, being craved, holding all the power over them as they beg for more…. but then that’s the thing about being female, we can use our bodies but what we really want is them to crave our minds

is it wrong to use your body to gain attention and fix the short term void however know it will no doubt prolong the pain and just set you back even more in the long run

using sex to make yourself feel better can’t be the best solutions a and I quote ‘ young hot successful blonde’ has? but its all I can seem to come up with…..

does it at least count as my daily exercise? they do say fat girls try harder…

S.E.X

sex….. arguably the most intimate thing you can do with a man, yet one of easiest with no actual intimacy… can it just be sex?

the act of getting naked (usually) or atleast fairly naked and connecting with someone on a whole new level…

if its not with a partner then what is it? how can it be defined?

make yourself feel better sex? I can still do it sex? I can get attention through this? the test of can I actually get sex? will I go through with sex?  will it just be one time sex?

and then it comes to the actual sex, the barely getting in the door half dressed kissing and hair pulling,  the compliments and attention, the how quick can we get into bed, how quick will it happen, bare minimal small talk other than yes you do have to wear a condom, I mean really? #men

what does it mean about yourself if satisfying him is what truly satisfies you, mentally anyway. maybe its a power thing or a insecurities thing? maybe I should google it….  but I think I already know the answer.

27, first had sex with the ‘love of my life’ at 17,  oh boy how that was awkward and bloody quick. he learned quickly and majorly improved but he sadly turned out to not actually the love of my life. Nor did the next ‘love of my life’ who although older proved useless in bed and turned out to be the worst decision of my life – but that’s another story. back to sex

how you can get naked with someone, touch, lick, kiss, scratch, bite… but do you ever really show them you? its easy to be someone else or to be the someone you think they want you to be? so in a round about way is that really you?

so if they tell us what they like and how they want it…. is that because they have learned from previous girls? girlfriend? fuk buddy? is that what I should be thinking about while trying to understand what he is requesting…. I get the feeling I shouldn’t be adding more stress to the high pressured situation, but I’m female so that’s what I will do.

Then there is the light thing…. do they put the light out so they don’t have to look at you? or do they put it out so you cant see them?  female instinct would naturally take the insecurities route although it is potentially not the case when the boy is actually ‘reaching’

anyway I hear dimmed lighting or candles is the most flattering 😉